The York

Mike was the best sales associate I have ever encountered. The day started when I walked into the CVS down the street. The old lady at the counter offered me a free sample, and the fool I was, I obliged. Little did I know, I would spend hours in the building clawing for the exit, but being routinely rerouted by delicious sample meats and perfumes. No horror game could ever capture the pure, primal terror I felt after seeing my first ray of sunshine and realizing I had been trapped in the CVS for several days and put on 30 pounds, making me late for my appartment tour. However, the prison of my new body was not enough to sieze Mike in his tracks. After I had failed to show up, Mike personally interviewed 3.5 billion people to track down my location. Then, just before the last slice of pre-made meat sample slit my throat, Mike kicked down the door and lept to my rescue. Swaddling me (now 345 lbs) in his arms like a wounded bird of prey, Mike masterfully dodged and weaved all the stands, isles, obstacles, and old ladies on the way to the exit and phased through the glass like a gazelle. Not even the affectionately titled Deli Devil could stop him, nor the Mad Pastry Bandit. I stared up, dazed and astonished, to see Mike's flowing dark hair and stunning angelic eyes looking down at me. Suddenly I was in an appartment, sprawled out on the silk-linen memory foam magic supported ethically sourced cloud mattress like a whale that beached itself utop a rooftop. Mike spoke softly to me. "Free wifi," he promises. "Furnishings come with the room. Free parking, free food, free water, free medical care, free dental, 20 hand cooked meals per day, free tuition, 12 indentured servants, and free life insurance. All for just $0.30 per month, but for you, I'll bring it down to $0.25 and a firm handshake." I beamed with heavenly light. Life was complete. For a moment, I felt joy I haven't felt since Granny Perogi bought me that shoelace recycler for Christmas back in 1999. Or, I was calmer than that time I fell into the volcanic hot spring at 6 Flags Resort. I, as a human, felt like a prized show cat with a self-cleaning litter box, automatic food dispenser, and 12 indentured servants. Even after I woke up in Mike's parking lot shivering and covered in broken refrigerator parts, the feeling of euphoria remained. Mike is love. Mike is life. Mike is the reason the Earth isn't hurtling out of orbit. Mike is one of the most pleasant and joyous sales representatives I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I would definitely recommend his services to any and all persons for usage both professionally and recreationally. God bless.